Random Thoughts



  • Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

  • Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

  • Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

  • You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

  • Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

  • One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

  • God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

  • It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

  • If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

  • Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for remodeling." *Caution - leave air holes.

  • I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

  • There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

  • Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

  • The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

  • Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

  • I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

  • I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my hose on fire.

  • Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

  • It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

  • Age is important only if you're cheese.