No matter how shocked you feel by a breakup, your ex most likely sent a few distress signals before she kicked you to the curb. “People really disengage when a relationship is about to end,” explains John Gottman, Ph.D., an expert in divorce prediction and author of What Makes Love Last? “Women try to let men know that they’re not happy.”That means you have a chance to salvage your relationship before she totally checks out—as long as you’re adept at picking up on her cues: On average, women decide to call it quits after just 6 days of deliberation, according to a survey by SheLeft.Me, a breakup site for men. Translation: You need to act fast when you spot these signs of relationship trouble.
1. She criticizes your grammar when you fight.
Imagine this scenario: In the middle of a fight, you declare, “I could care less”—and rather than trying to understand your angst, your partner smugly replies, “Actually, you should say, ‘I couldn’t care less.’” She's not just being a grammar Nazi, Gottman says. “She’s saying it from a superior place. It’s an attempt to make you small and meaningless.”
This kind of condescension is a classic sign of contempt—the number one predictor of early divorce in Gottman’s research. “It’s a really acidic, destructive way of eating away a person’s self-esteem,” he says. Even if her words aren't scathing, you can see scorn all over her face: The signature expression is pulling the left corner of the mouth to one side, creating a dimple, often with an eye roll for extra effect.
2. She consistently cheats on your Netflix shows.
Your nightly Netflix ritual is about more than Mad Men. It’s about the two of you as a team, says Monica Lieser, a licensed marriage and family therapist. And that kind of connection breeds contentment: “When couples invest in creating and maintaining rituals, they have more longevity,” she says. So when your little habits—whether it’s a walk every night after dinner, or calling each other on your lunch break—start to dissolve, you lose a critical part of your bond. “A shared experience all of a sudden starts to feel like a chore,” she says. “The engagement somehow doesn’t feel good anymore.”
3. She makes sweeping generalizations about you.
“You always come home late” is a much weightier accusation than “You didn’t put the dishes away last night.” This kind of global criticism—marked by words like "always" and "never"—is a serious predictor of a split, according to Gottman’s research. (Another classic line: “What’s wrong with you?”) “The reason it’s so harmful is that it’s so non-specific,” he says. “It’s really damning the entire character and personality of the partner.” The result: You just feel attacked—which rarely, if ever, leads to a productive conversation about the relationship.
4. When you voice your concerns, she only gets defensive.
Relationship troubles go both ways—which means both of you will occasionally have to own up to screwing up. Unfortunately, defensiveness is a more natural reaction. And it’s a destructive one. “It takes two forms. One is the counterattack—I’m going to attack you 10 times harder than you attacked me,” says Gottman. “The other form is acting like an innocent victim, whining as you’re talking. Why are you picking on me? What about all the good stuff I do?” If your partner can’t ever admit to her mistakes, she’s placing the weight of the relationship entirely on your shoulders. And you can’t sustain that.
5. She turns down requests for things she used to do.
Maybe your girlfriend used to willingly proofread your work emails. Or always offered to take your shirts to the dry-cleaner. Now she treats those little favors as infringements. Odds are she hasn’t just become suddenly selfish. There’s a good chance she no longer feels valued by you—a potent relationship killer—so she’s not interested in making your life easier, says Lieser.
6. You’re unable to talk about your s3x life.
You’d probably freak out if the s3x suddenly dropped off, but that's not the most pressing problem—it's communication. “Frequency is just a measure of behavior,” says Lieser. In other words, how often you knock boots tells you very little about the strength of your bond: Even if a couple only has s3x once a month, but have mutually decided what works for them, their connection can still be strong.
By contrast, if a couple messes around 20 times a month—but can’t talk specifically about their likes and dislikes—their relationship is likely lacking emotional intimacy, which creates desire, says Lieser. And as Gottman points out, if one partner starts to lose interest or feel dissatisfied, but can’t explain why, the other is just left feeling rejected.
7. You often eat dinner in silence.
Your relationship isn’t necessarily doomed if you dine in silence—but it definitely needs some work. “The foundation of a healthy relationship is friendship,” says Lieser. If you have nothing to talk about, you probably aren’t pals with your partner—which means your relationship can only last so long after the passion fades. And, in the long term, friendship breeds more than good conversation: It leads to playfulness in the bedroom and allows you to openly discuss your needs, s3xual or otherwise, says Lieser.
8. She's been having a lot of girls' nights lately.
That time with her gal pals won't kill your connection—but it will when she hangs with them in an effort to avoid you, Lieser says. So how can you tell when her nights out mean trouble? Ask about her evening when she comes home. If she doesn’t dish the details—say, some creeper bought her best friend a drink, or she tried an awesome new cocktail—then that shows she’s not interested in involving you in her personal life. And that probably signals a bigger issue, since “partnerships are all about sharing yourself with somebody else,” says Lieser.
