1. “I have my period.”
What it really means: I don’t want you to think I’m easy or disrespect me afterwards.
Why we use it: Unless we’re actually menstruating (in which case, we’d probably go home to stuff our faces with chocolate and cuddle next to a heating pad… not you), this sentence is a woman’s security blanket against regret-s3x. When we can’t think of any better reason not to, we pull a classic grade school move and blame it on mother (nature).
Scenario: (Upon exiting the bathroom.) “Oops! I can’t. I forgot I just got my period. How about a nice handshake?”
Synonyms: “I’m experiencing women’s issues”; “Can I give you a blow'job instead?”
2. “I don’t feel well.”
What it really means: I am secretly f@rting mushroom clouds of day old kale smoothie.
Why we use it: It’s in everyone’s best interests to keep it vague.
Scenario: Post-dinner; post-Tequila (+ chips, + guac, + beans) Tuesdays on a girl’s night; after she just Instagrammed ice cream food porn.
Synonyms: “I’m going to hit the bowl repeatedly”; “My stomach hurts”; “I need to be alone right now.”
3. “My friend from out of town is sleeping over.”
What it really means: The thought of waking up to you is mildly terrifying.
Why we use it: We need a viable reason to keep you out of our beds. Make-believe friends make the best cock blocks.
Scenario: Random guy you just met and psycho killer status is still questionable; too drunk and will mostly spend the night puking and eating late night.
Synonyms: “I have a friend visiting”; “My roommate needs me.”
4. “I’m tired.”
What it really means: I don’t want to be on top and I don’t feel like giving oral.
Why we use it: To appropriately calibrate expectations.
Scenario: After mentally preparing for a night in front of the television; when we’re really pissed at you.
Synonyms: “I have work early tomorrow morning”; “My roommates will hear us.”
5. “I wish I knew you better.”
What it really means: I’m not into one-night stands.
Why we use it: To ward off any suspicious characters who we’re no longer interested in.
Scenario: OKCupid; Clubbing.
Synonyms: “You creep me out. Not in a Christian Bale way.”
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6. “I bet you say that to every girl.”
What it really means: I want you, but I don’t want all of you. Tonight at least…
Why we use it: We’re feeling insecure and thinking about all the girls who came before us. Do more to keep us comfortable and perceived as special. It’s not hard.
Scenario: First date; bar pick-up situation; under 21.
Synonyms: “You seem like a player”; “I’m not ready to yet.”
7. “I’m not on birth control.”
What it really means: I don’t trust you one bit.
Why we use it: After listening to you brag about your exploits in Amsterdam, please do not think we aren’t using a condom.
Scenario: His place.
Synonyms: “Do you have a condom?”; “Are you fond of illegitimate children?”
8. “My room is a mess.”
What it really means: I need to shave, clean my room and run around for a few minutes to make it feel like I had a lot more to do than just have s3x with you.
Why we use it: You caught us off-guard and we need to stall for as long as possible.
Scenario: When breaking the dry-spell; weekdays during winter; post-bender.
Synonyms: “I have a presentation tomorrow”; “I need to go feed my cat.”
9. “I don’t feel s3xy.”
What it really means: I am so bloated and fat right now and casually freaking out.
Why we use it: To prevent you from seeing us this way and to preserve our much needed “me” time.
Scenario: After having a bad day at work and already preoccupying yourself in a love affair with wine; feeling on edge and ready to explode at any moment unless you watch “How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days” immediately.
Synonyms: “I’m not in the mood”; “No, thank you, I don’t want to take my clothes off at the moment.”
10. “I don’t want to have s3x with you tonight.”
What it really means: I don’t want to have s3x with you tonight.
Why we use it: Your dirty socks and crappy white lighting is not doing anything for me. And neither is the copious amount of alcohol. Prognosis isn’t good.
Scenario: Holiday parties; friends-with-benefits; casual 20-something hookups.
Synonyms: “We aren’t having s3x tonight.”
